11.18.2002

We are so outta here!

Hello, faithful viewers -- we've moved!

We're now located at www.digitalflotsam.com/grrrls -- make sure you update your links. You should be redirected to the new location in a few seconds or so.

11.16.2002

Genesis, part two

I've finally sat my tail down and setup my new webhosting. I'm going with DreamHost, since it's worked so well for Patricia. I have to say, the entire process of setting up my new domain -- activating the account, setting up some remote SQL databases, mail addresses, ftp access, and everything else -- has been remarkable simple and quick. I am very impressed so far. Now, all I have to do is wait for the damn domain name to get reindexed, and I'm good to go.

So, the new domain...drum roll please...

I've gone with digitalflotsam.com. It just seemed appropriate (and available). I stayed away from naming the domain in reference to this blog, because I have a feeling that I'm going to expand into other content in addition to Sammy & the Grrrls in the near future.

On another note, I'm migrating all of our content into Moveable Type, once again because Patricia has had such a good experience with it, and I'm tired of my comments being down all of the time. It should also make it considerably easier for me to branch out into other content areas and edit them from one place. The installation looks daunting, but if you've got a little bit of tech experience, it's remarkably simple. I had everything configured and uploaded in about a half hour -- we'll see if it all works when the new domain gets indexed.

11.15.2002

"All dots and lines that speak and say: 'What we do is what you wish to do'"

I've had a fascination with comic book characters for as long as I can remember...not so much with actually reading the stories, but more reading writeups of the condensed history and backstory of characters, and finding out how they're all interconnected.

So, I was pleased as punch to find The Hero Machine, a web app that lets you create your own superheroes and villains. I've spent a large chunk of my day playing with it, and have come up with several superheroes and villains that fit into my perception of good and evil in this world. I give you:

The Heroes

Sammy!


Super Powers
Uncompromised sarcasm, ceaseless questioning of the status quo, lightning-quick wit, disarming self-deprecation, and a kickass vintage suede jacket

Weaknesses
Boredom, alcohol, cigarettes, tapas

While by day a mild-mannered data analyst, Sammy's alter ego is dedicated to the spread of reliable information about world affairs, social equality, and partying his ass off. However, with so many dangerous villains on the loose, he'll need some help from his friends if he expects to make it through the remainder of this presidential term without having an aneurysm!

Kickass Grrrl!


Super Powers
A poetic soul, fiery sense of justice and equality, and world-famous oral sex skills

Weaknesses
Red wine, drag queens, Irish men

Kickass Grrrl is Sammy's close friend and confidant, and does a great job of keeping him in line when he flies off the handle (which is often). Don't be fooled by her sweet demeanor and beautiful red mane -- she's a tiger under the surface, and she's been dyeing her hair since 1997!

Large Scottish Guy!


Super Powers
Brute strength, a sexy accent, and a weapon of mass desire hiding under his kilt

Weakness
Whiskey, golf, and cold updrafts

When you need to clean behind the refrigerator or rest your head on a nice set of pecs, this is the guy to call. But he's not all brute strength and good looks: Large Scottish Guy has a heart of gold, and plays a pretty mean rendition of "She Bop" on his bagpipes as well.

Some Queen That We Picked Up in a Club Over the Weekend!


Super Powers
He's pretty

Weaknesses
Ketamine, Ecstacy, Crystal Meth, public television, and shellfish

He's not really a superhero, per se...just nice to look at, so we keep him around and throw some music on the stereo and break out the G when we feel like a private dance show.


The Villains

The Attorney General!


Super Powers
Evangelical righteousness, literal interpretation of the 2nd Amendment, can channel the spirit of Heinrich Himmler on a moment's notice

Weaknesses
Trigger locks, background checks, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, latent homosexual urges, exposed breasts

In an era of confusion and anger, The Attorney General has risen from the ashes of humiliating defeat and certain obscurity to become the scurge of American freedom and justice! With an army of loyal religious fanatics, a sizable arsenal of weaponery, and ever-increasing powers granted to him by the mysterious "5 Supremes," The Attorney General seems nearly unstoppable! The American public is confident, however, that he will someday be defeated and deposed...maybe in a couple years, give or take.

The Overrated Diva!


Super Powers
Unparalleled marketing and PR, can adopt any cultural tradition or religion as it suits her, an ego the size of Kansas, plenty of special effects, and a husband in the movie business

Weaknesses
Singing, acting, public speaking, consistency, quality, age

Despite all odds, The Overrated Diva has remained in power for nearly 20 years as the most subversive and vapid social phenomenon ever witnessed on this planet, and she doesn't appear to be slowing down! She can become an entirely different individual within the span of a costume change and a Qabalah workshop, and has a massive army of mindless worshippers to bend to her will. Through her unholy union with a Hollywood psychopath known as The Hack, she has focused her efforts on using the movie industry to spread her lack of taste and substance further than ever before!

Vicious Backstabbing Queen!


Super Powers
Ceaseless cynicism, unequaled materialistic values and opinions, a master of passive aggressive tactics, the phrase "internalized homophobia," interior decorating

Weaknesses
The ever-relentless procession of time, pleather hot pants, Barbra Streistand, "consulting" jobs, cosmopolitans

Who's that over there in the corner, telling folks that your new Versace jeans won't look so great by the time you're 35? It's Vicious Backstabbing Queen, a homo who's done everything you have, only 20 years ago, and with more style! He is unparallelled in his ability to put on a friendly face while chatting at a social gathering, and then to change instantly into a bitter, gossipping, angry little man the moment you walk away! He is one of Sammy's most persistent and irritating foes, and all would be lost to this vile caricature of man were it not for Sammy's resilient personality and 28-inch waist!

Captain Canada!


Super Powers
Politeness, sane firearm legislation, socialized medicine, a decent exchange rate, Kids in the Hall, free trade, decent hockey teams

Weaknesses
Alanis Morrisette, French Canadians, grizzly bears, tundra

Manhater!


Super Powers
Thousands of years of gender inequality, a Volvo, and excellent skill as a shortstop

Weaknesses
Ani Defranco, flannel, mixed-crowd functions, mullets

Gym Zombie!


Super Powers
A perfectly toned, tanned, and hairless physique

Weaknesses
Any conversation that isn't about working out, carbohydrates, tiny genitalia, the approach of midlife, math, reading comprehension
Tell someone who gives a damn

Brilliant! I think that I just found a new fixation: Vent, "the get it off your chest portal." The site is basically a way to anonymously rant and get out your frustrations about friends, coworkers, ex-boyfriends, and others. I encourage to stop by, have a read, and for God's sake, get it out of your system.

Just for shits and giggles: an exceptionally strange chat session. When you read it, keep in mind that "april17" is actually an Australian man. Really.

11.14.2002

We all get annoying spam emails on a daily basis. I rarely take the time to even look beyond the subject of my junk mail, but I've received this one a couple of times now, and decided to have a look:
"Want a BIG Penis?"
Experience the results you've always wanted
with a MASSIVE scientific breakthrough:

Our Doctor-Approved Pill Will Actually Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge Your Penis. 100% GUARANTEED!

Best of all...

There Are NO Agonizing Hanging Weights, NO Tough Exercises,
NO Painful And Hard-To-Use Pumps, And There Is NO Dangerous Surgery Involved.

WE GUARANTEE GENUINE LASTING RESULTS! MAXAMAN PILLS WILL
WORK FOR YOU 100%, OR YOU GET 100% OF YOUR MONEY BACK!

If YOU want to massively enlarge your penis and experience big gains in only weeks,
this may be the most important email you'll ever read. Here's why:

Certified Natural Labs has helped 1000's of men cope with and conquer serious erectile dysfunction issues. These painful problems include small penis size and poor self-image, as well as lack of potency and premature ejaculation.

To help these men our dedicated team of researchers has developed an amazing formula called Maxaman. Certified Natural Labs has carefully tested this unique new product so that it is fully doctor-approved. And, it is 100% guaranteed to work. It has been described as a true 'miracle cure', and we are now offering Maxaman in easy pill form to men everywhere. Certified Natural research team invites you now to experience this miracle for yourself.

Now You Can Forget Forever the Pain,
Effort and Expense of Having a Large, Manly Penis!

Imagine for a moment how you will feel:

You'll radiate confidence and success whenever you enter a locker room, and other men will look at you with real envy.

But the best part is when you reveal yourself in all your glory to the woman in your life. When she sees how massive and manly, how truly long and hard you are, she will surrender and give you everything you have always wanted. The feeling of power is sensational, and the sex is unbelievable!

As you drive your penis deep inside her she'll gasp as you dominate her. And the intense satisfaction you give her will be the BEST sex she has ever had. I promise you, she will not be able to keep her hands off you when you give her everything she needs from a man.

YOU Are In Total Command!

Maxaman will make you long-lasting and rock hard. You will never worry or be concerned about losing your hard-on or reaching orgasm too fast. With Maxaman these problems are completely eliminated.


How
Maxaman Works, and Exactly How it Will
MASSIVELY ENLARGE YOUR PENIS

On either side of your penis, you have two spongy areas called the corpa cavernosa. An erection happens when you become excited, and the natural flow of blood fills these erectile tissues. Vig-Rx has been scientifically developed to expand these erectile tissues and make them much larger. As it does this the erectile tissues can hold more blood than ever before.

The result? A MUCH larger penis in thickness and length, and a rock solid

And all you have to do to experience these massive results is take Maxaman pills. That's

There is -

  • No exercise required

  • No surgery required

  • No pumping required

  • No painful stretching required

With Maxaman, it all happens easily and gently in just a few weeks.

How BIG Can You Get?

Realistically, you can grow up to 3 FULL INCHES IN LENGTH. This growth is so remarkable that it has been described by many as a real 'miracle'.

If you are ready to experience this amazing miracle for yourself, [you can make it happen with Maxaman, GUARANTEED].

Do YOU Want To Be Better than 'Average'?

According to medical records, the average penis length is 6 inches.This is not based on where you are from, your race or nationality. This is true all over the world. 

So if 6 inches is all you want to be or for some reason you want to be even smaller than this, please don't read any further.

But IF you want to be a lot better than average - UP TO 3 FULL INCHES BETTER - we can help. Remember, Maxaman is completely safe and completely private. It can be your secret - no'one ever needs to know you are taking it. And for the HUGE results you will experience, Maxaman is incredibly inexpensive. You really can't afford NOT to take it if you care about your sex life today!

"How LONG Will It Take To Get The Results I Need?"

Here is a realistic timetable for what you will achieve:

Week One Through Week Four
During this period the most noticeable change will be the expansion in width of your penis. You will also experience and enjoy longer lasting erections.

Week Four Through Week Eight
Now you will start to see a remarkable lengthening of your penis. Even when you're not excited and don't have an erection, your penis will rest and hang longer and thicker than ever before. When you look in the mirror you will be amazed!

Week Nine And Beyond
Now when you get an erection your penis will look and feel firmer, stronger and more rock solid then you ever thought possible.


"I Want To Satisfy My Lover. How LONG Should I Be?"

If you have a penis that is 7", 8" or even 9" long, you will be able to penetrate the more sensitive areas of a woman and reach nerve endings she probably doesn't even know she has. Combine this with the added thickness you gain with Maxaman, and you will fill her with exhilarating, exquisite sensations (some women say that thickness means everything!)

It now becomes possible for you to reach her most sensitive area of all - the famous 'G spot' - giving her the sensations she needs and craves to have multiple orgasms. Think what this will do for your confidence and power of your lovemaking!

At the same time you are satisfying her cravings with your large, manly penis, YOU are receiving more pleasure on your sensitive nerve endings than you can imagine. Once you reach this sexual height you'll never look back. It's awesome!


"Is My Penis Growth PERMANENT?"

YES! Take Maxaman, grow to the perfect size for you, and you can even stop taking the pills. You are right where you want to be, and you can stay there forever!

Remember, a penis larger than 9" may be too large for most women. But IF for some reason you need even more, it is possible for you to safely continue taking Maxaman. The choice is up to you...

--- [Order Maxaman Today!] ---
CLICK HERE


I think that I have a few questions for the folks at "Certified Natural Labs." Stay tuned, faithful viewers.

posted by Sammy at

Perspective

This clip has made me reconsider the gravity of mistakes that I have made at work...they seem small and so unimportant when compared to this guy's flub-up.

Two more most excellent video clips: first this modified clip from the original Star Wars has been making its rounds on the web -- and I think that it's the best spoof that I've ever seen. Ben and Luke's faces are absolutely priceless.

Second: think an ad for a leaf blower couldn't possibly be funny? You have no idea. Watch it!

posted by Sammy at

"a charming voice, and lots of personality!"

Ladies, are you:
  • Desperate to make a career change but unsure of where to start?
  • Tired of your stressful office or humdrum housewife days?
  • Do you have an attractive voice, a warm personality, and an open mind?
If so, you may want to consider a career in the exciting world of Internet and Telephone Acting! Work from home, set your own hours, and, most importantly, bring comfort to the lives of lonely, degenerate men across the nation.

Here are some of the "testimonials" from this website, along with pictures of what I imagine the women to look like:



"My name is Tracy and I'm an employee working out of my home on the adult lines. I am a sexy single mom and this job pays great and I don't spend any money on clothes for work, dry cleaning or transportation!"



"They asked me to write a few sentences on how I feel about this job at phoneactress.com,I can only say FUN, FUN!! This is the easiest job I have ever done!! All you need is a sexy voice and an open mind. Good luck to everyone!"


********


Too much fun...getting any ideas, girls? We can all use a bit of extra income around the holidays, you know. I'm looking in your direction, Mel -- I mean, it's a shame that you've got that sexy phone voice and no one to appreciate it except those engineers or contortionists or Brazilian superbabies or whoever the Hell it is that you work with.

Special thanks to Lisa for making this nonsense possible.

posted by Sammy at

11.13.2002

Domain name game

I know, I know: it's a piss-poor title for a post. Deal with it.

This Friday, I will be setting up Sammy & the Grrrls on a new web host (thanks, Patricia), and moving to a new content management system. What does this mean to you, as a reader? Well, it just means that we'll be located at a new place, and that my girls will have to take a moment to learn how to post in the new system. The good news is that we'll have our own domain name...if I can figure out what it is going to be.

That's where you come in, faithful readers: I need ideas for a new domain name. Do me a favor and come up with some good ones, and then check real quick on Verisign to see if it's still available. Post your suggestions in the comments, or if the goddamn things aren't working (as usual), you can email me your suggestions.

When coming up with domain names, please keep the following in mind:
  • Let's make it short and sweet, to the extent that it is possible. I'm sure that sammyandthegrrrls.com is available, but it's a bit cumbersome to type in.
  • I'm adamant on getting .com address, so unless you come up with something particularly good, I'm not interested in .net, .org, .cc, or any of the others.
  • Make sure that the name suits the site in some way, shape, or form.
I'll have a lookie at the suggestions this weekend, and hopefully make a choice sometime early next week. Not to worry, I'll keep this address active with a link to the new site until folks get acclimated to the new address, and the search engines have a chance to reindex the pages.

Have fun -- I'm looking forward to your suggestions!

posted by Sammy at

Thank you for the music, whore!

One of us is cryin', one of us is lyin'...

Spending a year living with Susanne seems to have caused a few minor mutations to my personality, much like how exposure to small amounts of radiation over a prolonged period could make you become sterile or sprout a pair of tits just below each of your knees. Like many former Chernobyl residents, I am only now beginning to understand the implications of having been exposed to little-understood and dangerous atmospheric contaminants: in their case, it was radioactive fallout. I, however, have been exposed to a substance more subtle and destructive than an enriched-uranium rectal thermometer -- and am now forced to live with the frightening and indelible consequences. I am of course referring to the effects of long-term exposure to what is commonly known as "Swedish culture."

Don't go wasting your emotion...lay all your love on me...

My contamination has manifest itself in several disturbing, but ultimately benign ways: an increased apetite for herring, a fondness for any food that comes in a tube, a tendency to drink shots that taste like a mixture of battery acid and soured milk, a relaxation of my once untarnished Christian sexual standards and practices (don't listen to a damn thing that anyone says otherwise; I used to be an absolute angel), and the belief that if I need to find God, I need look no further than the nearest Ikea. While irritating and disconcerting, I consider these side-effects to be manageable with plenty of self-medication and censorship. In the past several days, however, I have witnessed the birth of a much more horrifying social disfunction than I could have possibly imagined -- just when I thought that I was finally recovering from my ASSES (Acute Swedish Society Exposure Syndrome), I was caught off guard by an uncontrollable lust for the scourge of the Hinterlands: Suddenly, I can't get enough ABBA.

Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me...

I'm in day three of an unhealthy and unsettling ABBA bender, with no end in site. I've been listening to them on the walk to work, while at work, on the walk home from work, and at home (which is pretty much everywhere I could listen to them in the course of my week). I've found myself feeling despondent about the lack of ABBA music that is played in clubs, and have had daydreams in which I open a bar that serves hot-pepper martinis and smoked salmon with the sounds of "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme" blasting across the dance floor. I have caught myself dancing down the sidewalk on more than one occassion (if any of you have ever seen me dance, you'll know how frightening it is that I'm inflicting this on innocent passersby in Old Town), and even singing out loud once or twice.

Please attempt to muffle your cries of horror: I'm already mortified and terrified for you. I have been fighting the urge to call up Susanne and plan a Swedish dance party for the past day or so, but I plan to stay strong and fight this illness to its end, no matter what the psychological consequences.

If that doesn't work out, you'll probably get an Evite in a few days.

posted by Sammy at

This is just for Kate so everybody else go about their business. =) I'm a loser and hadn't configured all of my lunanina.com emails the right way so I just yesterday got your reply. Sorry! =( I think I got it set up right and I responded. Let me know if you didn't get it. Thanks!

Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

!!!!!!!!!!!! exclamations points brought to you by your local starbucks.

posted by Patricia Elizabeth Arriaza at

Just call me <der>angel of the morning

Latest news from the exciting world of self-diagnosis: I've decided that my recent lack of energy and ambition must be somehow connected to sleeping too late -- and today is my first stab at rising earlier so in the hopes that my energy levels will follow suit. I've been up since around 6AM or so, and made it in to work at around 7:20. My coworkers have been more than a little surprised and curious, given my track record of barely making it in by 9 on most days and looking as if I'm near death before a cup or five of coffee.

I'm not dragging very much this morning, so I think that I'll carry this little experiment over into next week to see if it makes me feel any better. I'm hoping that an extra couple of hours every afternoon will provide sufficient cause to continue rising early -- but, then again, old habits are hard to break.

posted by Sammy at

11.12.2002

United by our frustration and impatience

There were certain things that I decided that I would not become when I moved up here to The Big City. One of those things was to be a part of the teeming, hostile masses that I had seen crowding the subways and streets of television -- cursing, pushing, and grunting their way through their weekday commutes. Lo and behold, it took me a total of two months in the area to not only fall into line with this crowd, but to distinguish myself as one of the most bilious and intolerant commuters within earshot.

It goes without saying, then, that I have some pretty big problems with individuals who don't understand the "walk left, stand right" rule on escalators. For those of you who don't know, it is considered courteous to stand to the right side of an escalator if you do not plan on walking the steps, so that others may pass you on the left on their way up or down. I would go as far as to say that escalator novices are perhaps the denizens of this city that I despise the most, and am therefore very happy to find that others share my misguided rage -- and have set out on a campaign to inform the public of proper escalator behavior.

I'm all over that baseball jersey as soon as my next paycheck hits.

posted by Sammy at

11.11.2002

Dark-roasted sprinkler boy

Okay, so I have this thing with chocolate-covered espresso beans: I really, really like them, but after eating a few, I get sick of crunching up the beans and just want the chocolate. I end up stuffing a bunch in my mouth at once, sucking the chocolate off, and then spitting the spent beans into my wastebasket. On more than one occassion, a coworker has caught sight of this and either laughed or walked away pretty quickly.

So, I had a mouthful of beans a few minutes ago, and felt the need to reload, so I turned in the direction of the wastebasket to relieve myself of the now useless husks...but something went wrong. For some unknown reason, my mouth kind of contorted just as I was about to expel them, and I've now spit espresso beans all over my desk, bookshelves, and carpet.

I think that I've managed to find them all at this point, but am thankful for our nightly janitorial service, nonetheless.

posted by Sammy at

Why Danica Mace? Because...

Top Breeders Recommend Danica Mace.


Tasteless as all get-out, but funny as Hell.

posted by Sammy at

Too much fun with the Slogan Generator

Sweet as the Moment When the Sammyboy Went "Pop"


I don't think that we can top that one.

Maybe with these:

  • Let The Sammyboy Take The Strain.
  • The Curiously Strong Sammyboy.
  • Stimulation for Body and Sammyboy.
  • Please Don't Squeeze The Sammyboy.
  • Feel The Raw Naked Sammyboy Of The Road.
  • Sammyboy Prevents That Sinking Feeling.
  • There's Always Room For Sammyboy.
  • Sammyboy-Lickin' Good.
  • Watch Out, There's a Sammyboy About.
  • You Deserve A Sammyboy Today.
  • I'm Not Gonna Pay A Lot For This Sammyboy.

    These get points for being straight-to-the-point:

  • Obey Your Sammyboy.
  • Do The Sammyboy.
  • Taste The Sammyboy.
  • Unzip a Sammyboy.

    Good Lord, this has to be the best:

    It Takes A Tough Man To Make A Tender Sammyboy.


    If that ain't the gospel truth, I dunno what is.
  • posted by Sammy at

    More fun with slogan generators.




    I like that one, but I think my favorite has to be:

    "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this Sammyboy."

    ok. scratch that....this is my absolute favorite (until I click on the sloganize this button again!)

    "When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Sammyboy Overnight."

    posted by Patricia Elizabeth Arriaza at

    "in vogue to be a misogynist homophobe"

    It is always a distinct pleasure when Tori Amos comes out of orbit for a few moments and reminds me why her music is on constant rotation in my atmosphere. She can be surprisingly purposeful, eloquent, and concise when she wants to -- despite her lyrical track record.

    Follow the bouncing ball:
    .-`-.-`-.-`-.* Southern Voice: "Lighting Her Torch"

    Wow, I'm feeling a bit goofy today.

    posted by Sammy at

    Making the switch

    Here's a fantastic parody of the Apple "switch" commercials.

    posted by Sammy at

    Gaaayyyyy...

    One of my favorite recurring jokes from PVP (that's Player Versus Player, for those without sufficient video game background) is Francis' (a teenage gamer, with typical teenage priorities and hangups) popping in to declare something or someone as "gaaayyyy..." Anyway, it's a cute comic today. To get the entire story, start here.

    posted by Sammy at

    Forwarded email: An Irish Toast

    A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

    ********


    What does it say about your family life when your grandmother forwards this joke to you?

    posted by Sammy at

    Incommunicado

    Just what it says -- I've been out of it for the past couple of days. Let's call it "social detox therapy."

    I'll post something with substance very soon, I promise -- or, if I'm lucky, perhaps someone else will deign to create a new vein of discussion in my stead.

    Erstwhile, I give you The Miracle of Time Travel, for only $360.00.

    "As you will see on the following pages, I sell an instrument which can be used for both, out of the body time travel and can also be used to help heal the sick."

    posted by Sammy at